In late 2009, just before winter break during my junior year of college, a professor asked my class to, while during break, compile a list of fifty ideas that would make good films. Now, last week my brother and I began editing his film Hassle Magnet and I happened to stumble upon my list while making space on one of my hard drives. This new list, of only five, represents the best of those ideas from 2009. These are the projects I would still love to make.
1-In 1973, Richard Nixon recruited Elvis Presley [Nicolas Cage] to become the first TIME COP. In 1977, Elvis fakes his death, and [after 4 years of training] sets off on his first mission to stop Walt Disney of 2432 (now thawed out and cured) from killing history’s most important Jews. To do this, Elvis recruits Bruce Lee and Fatty Arbuckle to help him.
2-On a rainy night, Dirk and Paolo [Crispin Glover & Cillian Murphy] are called to a homicide. There they take prints and make the strange decision to take the woman’s dead body with them in their car. They take turns driving and having intercourse with the corpse, but their pleasure cruise is halted when the homicidal maniac [Nicolas Cage] goes looking for the body himself. While the three engage in a sadistic slapstick cat and mouse, FBI agent Dick Moses [Danny Glover] is on the verge of catching all three necrophiliacs and charging them as a gang.
3-Eric [Rip Torn] has built 30 two-inch tall women out of scrap metal. He keeps these women under his hat and has them steal from cash registers for him. Another cunning inventor [Ray Liotta] hopes to steal his secret. After several break-ins, the Inventor abducts Eric, and threatens his life for the secret of the little women. Eric refuses and is murdered. But that night, the little robot women creep into the inventor’s mouth and tear him apart from the inside out.
4-In Northern Ireland, circa 1948, Farmer Eric [Pierce Brosnan] has a cow that talks and tells the future. Soon, fame women and too much publicity are all theirs. In the mayhem, Eric’s cow falls in love with him. As the two embark on a strange romance, they usher in a perverse trend of bestiality not based on love at all but lust.
5-A romantic comedy about Phil [Alan Arkin] who runs a homeless persons shelter with his daughter [Winona Ryder]. One day, Phil falls in love with a woman in his soup kitchen line [Elaine May], only to discover another man is competing for her affections, a man only pretending to be homeless because he is cheap [Charles Grodin]. So Phil begins plotting with his friend Abel [Woody Allen], as to how to win the heart of the woman he loves.